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Monday, August 13, 2012

Miy life in a Nutshell

this is the life of the dutch art painter dwaalhaas sure i forgot about a lot of things that happened in my life, good things, bad things...thats why i called this "my life in a nutshell"
The story of my life......

My name is Hans de Waal born on 11 may 1965 in Eindhoven i was born as the second son of my father and mother.

The story below is my real life story, it could be that i changed names for protecting someone ells his / here privacy, or that i got thing wrong on the real year and date of the events that happened to me, but anyway its all treu.

My life between 0 and 5 years old 1965-1970 Talking of coincidence my babtise name is Johanes Henderikes de Waal and i was born in the "Johanes van de Waals weg" in Eindoven, but in those first years of my life nothing real strange happend to my.. When i was a litle bigger, gues 4 / 5 years old i was playing in a playground in the park behinde our house,and when i asked an older man to pull me up a climb-tool, he picked me up and tryed to take me into the bushes, i gues he was a pedofile that wanted to rape me, my luck was that my bigger brother was playing in that bushes with his friends, and the hit on to that guy with sticks so he let me go.. ( saved by my brother ). Than another sad story in my pre schoool time was "our" dog Blacky.. My father gave us a new dog, and i was so proud of it that i wanted to show the dog to a girlfriend from my kindergarden...i did not know it was here dog that here father gived away to my father... She cryed tears like an elephand, ind i could not help it..

So far so good, nothing serious wrong or strange in my young life..

My life between 5 and 10 years old 1970-1975 when i got a litle older i went to a normal christian school, i realy hated the place becourse i had no friends and was constandly picked on and bullied becourse of my red hair bullied, i had no friends there, and even some of the teachers ware trying to get populair by calling my names to.. Mostly i came home crying, but my parents did not understand how wors this bullieing was, sometimes kids were waiting me up to beat me down on the way to home... Sometimes even adut strangers called my names for my hair.. And nobody did nothing to help or understand my problem. In that time i had no friends and i was a lot by by opas & omas playing, hearing storrys of there youth, the war time etc. Etc. I seems i had a interest for storys a long time.. In that time my father buyed a caravan on a camping place called zilverstrand in Mol Belgium, and thats where my life started to change, i had friends there , was popular, i was free, we went there every weekend end every holyday we had. I gues it was the besty time of my life there.. Playing with friend in the woods and swamps near the camping, with a lot of friends i had there, and strange things ? Yes there were... Once we sa a couple of mercedeses drive into the woods comming together on a empty house, and when we were hiding us to watch a ritual perfoming by those people, the spotted us and we runned away, i gues this was a cult or a sekte..

So far nothing wrong with my young life..

My life between 10 and 15 years old 1975-1980 i still was bullied with my red hear but that only happend in the week when i was at school, and not in Belgium, ( schitzofrainia life ? ) alown inpopular, bullied by the other kids and parents that did not understand, and treu it was not easy toi understand and see the opersed of my populairety of my life at the camping zilverstrand Belgium, where i had a ot of friends and even my first time sex on a very young age wit several girlfriends. When i was around the age of 14 i watched my first dead.. Every week there was a disco on the camping and we went to that all the time, also did people who did not have a place on this camping, but after 22:00 hr they closed the gates of the camping place and it was forbidden to drive anny motorised vihickle one evening i was waiting for friend on that gate, when a biker came out of the discotheek and driven hard to the gate, i gues he did not see that the gate was close and i saw how he crashed over the gate, and even heard his neck brake.. ( the first one that died befor my eyes )

so far nothing trange happend to my litle life

My life between 15 and 20 years old 1980-1985 getting older finishing the school we had to do some test to see whats the best for a kid to studdy becourse i had low ratings ( trough bullieing and no atention from teachers ) they sent me to the LTS ( lower technic school ) for people that can studdy, they sayd, " if u dont have it in the brains u must have it in youre hands" i am sure in this time stuff like this wound happen... At this school the bullieing was harder, they even put my head into a urinoir once.. after 2 years i feeld strong enough to end it all, and i picked the biggest guy that bullied me and smacked him in his face.. There was so mutch agression in me that i had spume on my mouth, the teachers had to pull me of him.. Than it stopped with the bullieing, i became one of them, bulieing otheres just to be sure that the leave me alone, thats how i survived.. And started to get friend for after schooltime to.. In those days a 27MC send / recieve was one of my hobbys ( it was populair like the internet now ) and i found one of the guys that bullied me on the lower school, i chalenged him to come over and to fight me, and yes he did come to my house and we had a fight.. But i lost. ( guess i am a lover not a fighter ) but i was keeping my airgun bihind my door and i shoot him..the same night i talked with hime again on the 27MC, talked about the fight, the gun, and the respect he had for me to chalange him.. From that day on he became a friend.. Arount this time in my life i found a job in a supermarked. To earn me some money, i was crazy about rock a billy music and hanged out with a local gang called the rocking rebels thats the time i started to get trouble with the police, the first night in jail was when i stole a teddy bear to impress the girl who was with me tha day, but the cops saw me and handcofed me.. Made a public discrase of me by walking trough the city center being handcoffed, to the police cell.. My first girlfriend was Jose van V i remember she had disformed niples, and i lost her being unfaithfull with a fellow member of the group i was hanging out with, stuppit things happened in that time, a friend Arno shoots hiself treugh his head after using to mutch cocain another friend Piet got killed by a knife in a bar, all things i did not wantet so i left the gang and started to hang out with my older brother. He was totaly different than me, he was a sports guy, went to discotheeks etc. etc. But i had enough of my old life and friends, so i started to do sports to, shaolin kempo ( marshall art ) scuba diving, fitness, swimming, i even did sunbank to look better... And yes it was working perfecly at that time.. Me my brother and discotheeks.. Soon i started to be very populair on the places we went to, i was bleaching my hear like billy idool, used makeup like boy george and even desinged and made my own clouthing, i gues i was a real trent-setter we went to discotheeks 4 nights a week and every night i had sex with another girl sometimes even more on one night and my name came up on the doors of all ladys toilets where we came .. Than i med Jose L. She was so pretty and horney and we were sutch a perfect couple, a was a litlle crazy with my own desingened clouthing and make up and she was a litle crazy being a kind of newwave / punky / disco girl. My brother did start a relation with another girl to and we went everywhere with the 4 of us.. Scubba diving sports hollydays.. Than cam the soft-drugs ( weed / hasj ) in the picture. Where we had a lot of fun with to.. But again i did not hade my girlfriend for myself and she could not trust me either so we broke up... But my brother was still in his relationship so i was on my own again.. Atracted to my last girlfriends style i went to punk and new wave bars...

Nothing strange happend in this period of my life....

My life between 20 and 25 years old 1985-1990 in this time i hanged arount with all kinds of left political oriented people.. Squat houses, weed, hash, punk and new wave gauys and lesbians.. In this time a maried uncle wit a bad marege thinks i am gay and tries hits on me, but no thanks.. Than i med Ans J. She was a real depresed girl with a sad heavy story.. Father who had incest with her 2 bigger sisters, both sisters on strong anti depresiva meds, one brothe who killed himself in a psychiatric clinic.. And her owen story of being raped in a internat.. Where she was to be protected from her father, but for that time Anja B had a crush on me... I had to choose between those two, and i chooses the first one.. Anja B had some pill and warned me to take then if i did not choose here.. But everyone has his own life.. ( i know its hard ) from having a lot of sex there was sudenly no sex anymore, everytime i wanted to get near her she clossed up becourse of the rape she had was my life for some years than we broke up.. Somewere to around this age i went almost every year on hollydays on a Camping in Dutch zeeland wher also apened a loot of foolish stuff.. Once i was seduced by the wife of the local bar we went to.. And had sex with here upstairs while here man was working in his bar downstairs... I remebers she had a dildo and dirty magezines and i was wondering.. "The most woman dont like porn" and once i had meet 2 older german womans that wanted to take me to there caravan, and once i was there u runned of.. ( scared as hell .. Lol ) also a german friend who dit take a older ( 65 ) ladyfriend with him on hollyday, who i had sex with .. Lol 65 and 20..

It were great hollyday times. than cam Marnix in the picture, he was kinda like me also a biker.. I had a Honda 750 four

/ ratbike and he had a BMW with sidecar cars bikes and knifes were my hobby at that time every evening we were outside cutting, changing working on cars on bikes tiking rides for fun, i remember the time a car of us flipt over and we had to ask a farmure to pull us straight with his tractor or the psycho shit from him to put a degger trough the roof in the car wher i was sitting.. On day we came home and our cats were cut open, a baby cat that we lost a few days before was put in the open belly of her mother . Both dead of coures, my money was stollen and everywhere on the wall of or house was painted "first the cats and than u" everywhere exept on his room..i still think he was the killer of the cats becourse of other psycho stuff he was into like kicking living cats into the river.. And a lot of stuff even i think its to sick to write. I broke up with this friendship but stayed living on that place he had the rooftop i had 1 small chamber in that house.. One time i helped some junkies they were on a trip to get help in Belgium and had no place to sleep, i let them sleep and in in my room, in the morning i went to my job, wen i cam home the left me some gifts..

The same thing happend there with 2 bikers that had no place to sleep... I went to work in the morning and when i cam home there was a 50 gulden note on my door... In those times the most of my weekeind were on biker meetings, campfie, rosted pig, striptease biker games and beer

in a while i found another house to live in.. And got connected with my neighbur, he was a nice friendly guy..

Who turned ( read later on ) out to be a fucking psychopath to.. I also remenber me having a relationship with 2 girls at one time one who was of 15 ( i did not know at that time) and a woman of 35 with son, she was i kind of paranormal and very handy with the tarrot cards, once she dit the tarrot for me and only the big arcades came up.. She had an ex husband who was a painter and lived in Amsterdam, one day we went to vissit gay friends of here in Amsterdam that had a party, but we visitted here ex husband before.. One week later her ex husband killed ( hanged ) himself...

Somwhere on this point of life i was meeting Angela ( my gratest love ever ) in the beginning i was totaly not interested in her but more into her girlfried who turned out to be a lesbian and also in love with Angela, the first night they taked me to there place to sleep over and i was sleeping in her girfriends bed, but she kiked me out becourse i had lose hans.. I went over to Angelas bed an then thy kicked me out of there house.. lol..

So far so good.... Nothing strange happend yet..

My life between 25 and 30 years old 1990-1995

but anyway, next week Angela and i deed meet again and started te get a relationship than after 1 year i discoverd she was suffering Anorexia Nervosa, one year befor she died we went for hollyday to Balaton Felso in Hungaria, it was a great trip together.. Ther were a lot of problem with here problem, we coundt have sex anymore becorse her weght was only 32 kg but we had a strong relationship. I remember more than only this or her last day living, when we sleept at here parents home..her older brother and pregnat wife were on vacation in Turkye, and when we sleept at here parents home she normaly set the wecker at 6 o clock but now 4 sept was different, at the evenig she buyed a toy for in the car for her father and me and when we went to bed she touched my my face, like she wanted to take.. Or remember it... the next morning at 6 o clock ther was no wecker, but i waked up by here last breath... I panict , shouted to here parent that they must call the ambulance.. Tryed to reanimate her becourse her hard was not beating anymore, in the hospital and in the car i tried and tried everything i could.. Than came the dockter and toke here to the intensive care an me and here parents went with them..i saw her 32 kg body getting up 13 times troug electro shocks but that did not help, they could not save her, she died..she alreddy died in my arms..the first night of here dead i was so freaking drunk, i had several fights in the bar where i meet her.. And finely the police take me of the street becourse of drunk driving..after some days there was the funaral, i could see Angela ( angel for one last time, she was so pretty in her coffin.. All her teddybears and the red rosses, her gothic dress... ( and the shitty tape i saw under the dress ( she was an organ donor )... But i could not deal with here dead and i started to drink.. Every day..i started to try to buy happines with a new bike a Harley Davidson, and did more stuppit stuff, the was guy / girl i knowed for a long time, who became a woman one month before, and she asked me to be the first one to try her new rebuild body ... that was transexual sex Hera, so i tried, and i did more stuff i normaly never would do ( at that time ) i was so drunk all the days and finely lost all the friends i had, lost my job, my house and myself... I did everything to get a drink, seeking trough garbesch for a drink, prostituting my self for man.. Breaking in stole money from my parents, i was a junkie alcoholist.. One night i was breaking in a squathouse and stole a VCR by someone who turned later on my new girlfriend "Odette"

i still had my harly and i still went to biker meetings once i ended in a hospital trough alcohol poisening i almost killed myself than i lost my bike to.. I was homeless and had totaly nothing anymore, a went to amsterdam for some months hanging around with junkies on are famous "pillen brug" and was realy into the word of criminal/alcohol/prostitution..

Somewhere in this time a ex girl friend invited me to swim with here and other old friend one week later Anja killed here self by trowing benzine over her body aand burn her self to dead.. I hatted the netherlands and i went hitch-hiking trough east europe revisted the place in Balaton Felso Hungaria where i once was with Angela i was in every east europe country for some months living from what people gave to me.. When i came back to the netherlands the police put me under survailance of an alcohol center..thats when i meet Dide S. A Turkish buisnis woman with 5 / 6 own companys, and trough i was homeless and she was ashamed of me she rented a rome in a artist building, and thats were i started to paint.. I jused left overs from other artist who lived there, and slowly i started to give up drinking for painting. Dide saw some talent in my and wanted me to go to an Art school, she did know the director of that school, but all he say was " this boy has talent of his own, we cant lean him he must do what he does" and the organised my first expo in there school, to show thats its not nesseserly to studdy Art that u can be givedted with it... my first expo was great, almost all my old friends came an allso Angelas parents..

it was a wild time with Dide, i guess thats when i became so fat, she was a restaurant owner to.. I was together with here for some years and she did everythin to make me happy, almost buyed me car, buyed me my own shop ( a small suppermarked ) let me stay in here house in Turkye, ( she had more houses ) buyed me holydays ( visited Turkye 19 times ) she buyed a caravan on a camping in Belgium.. Everthing i wanted i get.. But still i was not happy, i renned of to Amsterdam where she did seek me to get me back to Eindhoven and finely.. We got engaged for marige...

Tha i cut myself lose frome her... I started to date a girl named Odette.. The funny thing is ... That a long time before i had being breaking in to here room in th squathouse where she once lived, but we did not know eatchother in that time..

Anyway i still lived at that artis building, and i was a busy painter..

My life between 30 and 40 years old 1995-2005 in this time i heard about a sick murder in the same apartment Angela and i use to live, and when i went there i found out that the kid Angela and i helped in that arpartment killed his neighbur for some botless of beer, by jamming his doorbel waiting till the door opend than hit him on the head with a chair, tid him up, with the strings of his violin, put a sack over his head an beating him to dead.. After my old neighbur did that to his neighbur.. He tried to burry him in the bark next to the apartment... ( god damn Angela and me used to help this psycho when we were still living there )... But so far so good.. Anyway ..also in this time there was a real artistic explosion with me, i got a house in .. Where i still live.. And across the street there was a guy that did work with poets and writers, he desited to help me on the way being an artist , managing me.. In one week we organized a expo walking route, that was a route over 52 lokations with my paintings trough the center of Eindhoven.. Starting on the city-cafe de Vooruitgang on the markedsquer where there was a big opening with free food drinks and life music, there was a guiding book with free coffee coupons, my life story pictures and a map of the 52 locations of where my paintings were.. They were almost everywhere from cityhall to windows of small shops libery, art houses, galerys, windows of big welknown malls and a big flag of one of my painting ( 5 x 4.5 mt ) on the outside wal of the Art foundation building.. All local newspapers and radios were talking about me.. But i did other stuff to like live action paint with Dutch poets Reepke and willem Adelaar in a bar live action paint at big festivals a live action paint show with my girlfriend odette in a bar, whe i coverd her body up with plastic foil and painting the foil as a dress , ( art to wear ) i was in on Dutch national TV ( Veronica television ) where i had an interview and sell 2 of my paintings for a good couse ( Anorexia Foundation ) and at home i got a visit from Dutch national TV ( VPRO veldpost television ) for an interview.. Dit some expo's Germany, Turkye, Belgium, and a lot of citys trough the Netherlands ( with or without action paint ) once i was so drunk in Amsterdam and i meeted my artist idool Herman Brood, who invited me to his home to have a drink.. There was also KRO television, ( Dutch national television ) who did a show about "after dead" how to proces a big lost, the filmed me at home being painting and at night driving the taxi trough Eindhoven an interview in there studio's with me and Angalas parents.. There was in that time also a request to use my paintings for a movie for the Dutch movie maker Ab van Ieperen, and my chalange to local television Omroep Brabant television, tho han my big flag with my Art on the highest top in Eindhoven, that was a nice show to whit Jan Waalen and the Miss Brabant from that time.... I was happy as a painter but not in real life, Odette did not liked sex, and i was "pissing next the boat a lot" Than came Red Anja, an ex heroine prostitude i known here since the perionde of me bieing homeless, we got a relationship and she pulled me back into the old wierd world she loved dogs, so in my try to prevent to help her staying clean from the needle i gived here a dog, but i did not work she lost him.. In the try to find her dog back, i met my dog spike in a doggyasiel since that day, red Anja is gone and spike was my best friend... Than came Marleen a very pretty girl with 2 lovely kids, she was an ex stripper i met here in my local bar where i hanged out a lot when i was not driving the taxi, i was realy proud of her that she once was a stripper, she perfomed as a lady form of the london knights.. And she stript in Fort lourendale, New yourk, ibiza, and Amsterdam to.. I was prout having such a girlfriend. And here kids ? Here kids were the best thing ever came to me, i was feeling like a father, but after one year i had to break up this relationship to, i could not deal with her being nimfomania, she had to have sex at least8 times a day, she even wanted me to come home from work at nights to give her sex.. That broke me up.. And i stoped the relation wit here.. But after some months i started to miss the kids, and we tried again, i that small periode she changed a lot, what she never did, she started to smoke the crack pipe...from there she was realy not handeble anymore.. After some months i stoped the relationship again but kept comming back on and of to check how the kids were doing.. I called childcare etc. Etc. Just to get the kids out of there becourse the house was going to look like a junk house more and more, mamma was doing drugs and fucking people while the kids were on the same coutch watching TV. But any way my life was alredy messed up with the homeless sex drugs and rock n roll and i kinda gived up to seek treu love that when i met this hooker Claudine she was so pretty, small litle tits, skinny, brains, style and taste... In this periode i was sharing my house with 6 prostitude junkie girls and Claudie kicked them all out my house... From that time on Claudine comes and goos out and into my life...i was free to have sex and do whatever i wanted with everyone, so i met a half Maroc goddes Karima also a junkie an a so called "child woman" and of course sick in the brain , she even stamped me once with a knife in my back.. And there was Angie a pregnat junkie brougt here by the police with the question " hans can you catch here up for a while?" and now since that periode those girls , hookers, junkies are some kind of my worry children.. I try to keep a watch over them, help them when i can.. Etc. However my neigberhood is not happy with those girls working so close to our neigberhood and they know i help then.. The neighberhood comunity asked me to do something artistic with kids on a party here.. So i buyed an very old car, maked som drawings on it, prited some big overzised T shirst with my name and logo buyed pig pots of paint, brushes and let the kids fill in my drawings on the car... This was the first and last thing that i did for my community.. Not even 1 picture of that in the neigberhood magezine.. Guess its becourse the know i help out those junkies to.. And believe me helping them is no fun i have seen people die on overdoses drugs or only getting a kind of epeletic atac of to mutch drugs, i have seen the needle going into the vains i have seen it all, but never take any drugs myself other than alcohol weed or hash...trough all of this i was still trying to get the kids out of the house by me ex girlfrien marleen id finely trough the police it had worked.. Marleen could not deal with it and tried to get of the crack pipe but she was so fare hooked that she finely hanged / Killed here self, the kids are now living with there granpa and grandma who blaim me for everything, so i can not see the kids or hear anything about them, and i mis them.. Any way.. There was also a girl named Darney, she helped me in my heavy period with Marleen and the kids she was a crackhead to after some years of living and staing clean of dope and living with a guy in France she was standing on my door, asking me for help becourse she runned away from her friend becourse he had shoot some stablers in her head, just for fun..she asked me to pull them out.. This was so sick.. After that she went back to france one year later she came back again having a stoma, on that night Edzo a friend was here, and becorse his father had a stoma to we improviced somethimg with ductape and a plastic bag to give here a neww stoma.. And one year later i heard she is dead by cancer... As named it before somwhere in this period of life i was driving taxi with a company called cibatax where i was doing only nightshifts ( thats where tho money was ) ( i had at least 50 euro's a day on tips ) driving from nightclub to bar etct. Etc. Driving around mafiosa wierdos and drunks , prostitudes packages of drugs and more.. My favorite bar was still cafe de guus, that was a place the underworld of eindhoven came together, it opened his doors at 6 in the morning and after nightshifts a lot of taxi drivers went to that place...once i had a ride with a Turkish passanger to cafe Guus, he and his wife were afraid to go there.. And the asked me to wait as a taxi driver in the cafe ( knowing it was my favorite bar ) after 5 minutes his wife runs out of the cafe and i and the guy runned after her .. Than he smaked his wife on here head , she falled knok out and i had to help him to put her on the backseat of my taxi.. Thats how u make big bugs as a taxi driver never say never.. The other way is to rip of your passenger ( i am no holy man ) than ofcourse u have to have some looks to, being fat and not scared to die helps to, in the short period of being homeless i had to take false teeth to look good in my taxi suid but i discoverd that fals teeth is good for the sex to.. Once i was getting drunk in a bar with an old ex from 20 years ago, and i toke her home with me i was totyly forgotten that it was my steddy drinking night with my friend Edzo, so whe she and i were having sex Edzo was looking inside trough my front window... I shared 2 threesomes with him lol... Also in this stressed up periode of time i was bocking kind of donuts for the jubkie girls on newyears day but i falled in sleep and my house burned down, it was a blessing that spike ( my dog ) barked me awake.. While i was almost comatized becourse of koolmoxide poisening, everything in my house was black.. I waked up in the hospital at intensiv care to.. I had totaly no incurance, aganst fire, but after big media atention ( artist house burned down ) the houserentcompany gave me a new house, and all kind of buisnesses gave me suport so everything was fixed again, without costing my any mony..

My life between 40 and now.... 2005-2009

somewhere around this time my mother gets very sick, "emphysema" and every day my dad picks me up to go with him to the hospital to visit her, the day she died i was at home, my dad was on the door, ringed my doorbell, even tried to phone me up, but i did not hear or seen anything, she died when my father was alone with here in the hospital when she died, i guess she don't wanted me to be there, again seeing someone i love dieing.. 1 hour later when she died my uncle came on my door to pick my up and i heard the doorbell this time.. He told me she just died and drove me to the hospital, to my living father and dead was hard for my dad, but i was there for him and i am still there, every Sunday i help him with his hobby selling antiques and curiosa on a marked in Belgium, be-course i know when he loses that hes going to die to.. One weekend i did not go with him to the marked place be-course i was with a friend on hollyday to Prague, we went by train and it was really a great experience.. We came to Prague in the middle of the night, so we slept in the park near the train station, it was a place full of junkies and heroine prostitutes and that night we got the first night there was not so good..the next day we found a cheap hotel to stay near the train station, Kees wanted to visit all kinds of Art culture stuff, and i wanted to to get drunk ( booz hookers and striptease are cheap there ) so every night i pretended to go sleep and when he slept i slipt out of the hotel to the first liquor-shop to buy me a bottle of very cheap vodka and went to the park with the drug dealers and the heroine hookers, i lived a double life during that great vacation..on the last day we visited Kutnahora where there is a chapel that contains the skeletons of between 40,000 and 70,000 people, many of whom have had their bones artistically arranged to form decorations and furnishings for the chapel. It was a strange feeling to stand there between those bones...back home Claudine was alone in my house, and time by time i went to an internet cafe to check my cams see whats going on here at my place , you will never know be-course Claudine was a junkie to.. The last day of our holly-day i saw ( on cam ) someone more in my house, and all i wanted is to go home...and kick here out of my house for the xxxxxsth time.. So i went off for some years with Claudine.. ( i still love here )... One day i was alone in the house and i was so drunk, i feld in sleep, and again i almost died be-course i had a chicken in the microwave, but the time lock got stocked, result, fire in the kitchen and again spike, barked me awake .. ( is spike all the people who died during my life ? ) i started to questing my life, why does all this shit happens to me ? It was and is heave to deal with my history and my shrink said " the most people who have lived half your life, are on dope alcohol or in a mental institution" he said that i was doing great drinking just once or twice a week.. One day an old girlfriend in a bar told me i had ADD.. Attention Deficit Disorder, i looked it up on Google and did some test, and yes, i guess i have ADD ( not ADHD ) my mind is always working and thinking.. ( to much ) from the time being a child i always said i am not going to be older than 35 and now i am over 40 and still don't know what life beholds for me, i am not sad or depressed ( i think ) and i live my live to the max,

living the life ( my life ) as it is without secrets and 6 web-cams online 24/7 looks like i am very content with al the luxury i have, 2 houses, jacuzzi, the girls, the man, the sex, the booz an soft drugs, big garden, design furniture, big screen TV, big garden, etc. but its always a mess in my head and most of the time in the house to. some years ago when i lost my job as a night taxi driver a work reintegration bureau has messed up my life again, the got me working in a recycle shop Het Goed for 32 hrs a week, its a shop where people can bring there old stuff, furniture's, tv's etc. that the dont use anymore and we sell it again for people with a lower budged. ( My boss at that work there killed himself with a bullet trough his hart. some years ago becourse of relationship problems, again don't ask my why people die around me.. ) that combined with helping my father on the marked every Sunday takes so much time that its not easy to find the time to paint as much as i want.. the result.. a mess in my head and most of the times a mess in my house.. trough my past and the life i live its not easy for me to mingle trough ordinary people, to deal with there ( most of the time ) small talk, but i found a medicine in my weekends and the booz i drink... for the last year i do that with a gay friend called Mikie, he is ok, and he don't care if there is a hooker or a junkie girl in the house. or if i have sex, or other stupid stuff i do, hes ok..once there was a guy that came over here that wanted to be fucked in his mouth, and mikie and i had his way with him, rough.. lol.. its good to have a friend with common interests....if you did read the whole story you can guess that i had some vehicles bikes , cars etc. in my life now i am driving a 45km car becourse i live on a low budget this car cost me nothing more than 89 euros a year, i rides on diesel ( cheap ) 1:30 km cost no tax and is cheap in insurance, it drives 70km p hr... so u can see how my life is pretty fucked up, and i am the only one to blame for that, and al i wanted was having a normal life, a wife, kids, nice house, car but i don't think i can have an normal life anymore wih real romance and love, my shrink says, i am ( act ) so emotionless ( hide my tears and pains ) becourse i am afraid to open this box of Pandora in my brain.. where there is only left hope....

2009 en nu 2012 "live Goes On" afgelopen 3 jaar zijn er ook wee 3 vriendinnen van mij gestorven, een ex vriendin, een drinken maatje vriendin en een "normale" vriendin, "alle 3 aan kanker"
inmiddels ben ik ook verhuist, een nieuw huis, groter luxer, met een grote loods achter in mijn tuin om te werken dat 45km auto dat heb ik ook niet meer, ik heb nu een "normale" auto, en een motor.. en mijn scooter, die heb ik ook nog voor de fun.. , met mijn verhuizing zijn er ook andere dingen veranderd en aan het veranderen, dat webcam gedoe, naakt foto rotzooi etc. wat mensen van mijn site gewent waren, dat behoort definitief tot het verleden, ik heb voor mijn kunst voortaan een manager, en ik wil mezelf op internet enkel nog maar met mijn kunst bezig houden, geen echte onzin meer en niets meer dat mensen shockeert... beetje bij beetje delete ik alles wat met mijn site te maken heeft, en beetje bij beetje word deze blogger over mij en mijn Kunst steeds groter.. "ik ben op de goede weg"

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